Goodbye

It's time to bring this blog to an end. Not sure if it ever had a beginning, but I had fun with it anyway! Running Alone is coming to a close. I am no longer running alone, although sometimes I do feel very much isolated from the rest of the world.

I am finishing up an Intensive Outpatient Program for my eating disorder. I have so much anxiety about this. That eating disorder center is the one place where I actually feel liked. I'm terrified to leave. I don't know if I'm ready. I made friends there; people I can be totally raw with. People I can cry in front of and yell in front of and explain the ugliness that is an eating disorder. And they get it. Not only do they get it; they're going through it with me.

These past few weeks have been difficult, but helpful. My body was challenged, my mind was challenged, and most of all, my emotions were challenged. I remember my first night in treatment, sitting there wondering if I would be “the weird one” again. However, I realized that we were all “the “weird one,” and that was totally okay.

I could come into group and talk about how huge I felt, how ugly I felt, how alone I felt. And instead of confused looks and statements telling me “I shouldn't think that,” I had people telling me that my feelings were totally okay to have. Were they valid? Not always, but I had people there who understood. They got it.

These weeks have been some of the most pivotal in my life. I guess I should look at my victories: the weight gain (hard for an anorexic to be happy about, but I am happy about it,) the new mindset, the coping skills, the thought-challenging, the knowledge, the friends. I made it through this program and I'm coming out of it stronger.

There's still a long way to go. Yet, as I say in treatment, I “just keep going.” So I will keep doing just that.