Parting the clouds

Home. The sound of it lifts the gray veil from before my eyes and I can begin to see more clearly. The past two months are lost in a dingy well that I'm finally beginning to crawl out of. My fingers clutch slimy stones, and the stagnant water has an unpleasant odor, yet I'm going up. Up and up and up. The circular patch of blue sky is growing little by little every day. Still, the thought crosses my mind: how did I even get here?

I arrived here as fresh-faced as a budding spring blossom. Everything was new and stimulating, buzzing with the energy of the yet-to-be-explored. The parade of colorful pollera skirts flashing through the city center rushed brightly past old antique buildings boasting three-tiered balconies and meticulous brickwork. The Old and New Cathedrals graced the city's central park, while people of all kinds shuffled by or lingered around. Young and old alike; local and foreign; rich and poor-all were in abundance. The juxtaposition of Escalades zooming down the cobblestone streets and shoe-shiners sweating over their labor was enough to send a person into a camera-clicking frenzy.

Cuenca had a lot of off, and its proposal was graciously accepted. My English-teaching job led me into the lives of many interesting and memorable people. I've been blessed with some great colleagues and dedicated students. I've known what it feels like to be the profe and receive hugs and praise from students. There have been laughs and jokes and innocent blunders from student and teacher alike that put smiles on many faces. Just as my students learned, I learned as well. I believe we all will never stop ingesting new information, experiences, and lessons.

Some lessons are easily learned; others can be a slap in the face. Accepting the return of an old struggle, confronting the empty pit of longing in my heart for those I love, and very slowly becoming an apprentice of how the world works took me on a journey almost as exotic as the Amazonian jungle. Still, they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That phrase is a half-truth in my opinion. Self-starvation may not kill me, God-willing, but it will cause some definite damage. Can I get stronger after that? What if I am starved of what makes me truly happy: my family, my friends, my art, the sun? Spiritual starvation tries to threaten me, so I cling to the book that promises that another home is being prepared for me; a home beyond human comprehension, and so magnificent. This promise keeps me going, but it is no cake-walk, nor just peachy. So maybe I've been thrown some lemons, and maybe I'm making lemonade, and maybe I'm up to my neck in it...but someone keeps tossing out a life vest. And I praise Him for it

Fake it Til You Make it

When you find yourself wallowing in your woes, it’s time to take a step back and give yourself a reality check and define what’s important. I need to filter out what my mind is telling me and focus on what the actual situation is. Let’s see…

            My mind says: You should be with your family right now!

            Reality: That’s not possible, so send them your love via email, Facebook, or Skype. You’ll be home in December.

            My mind says: These student loans need to be deferred again…and, apparently I went delinquent in March. How nice. I’ll be stuck with this debt forever.

           Reality: Almost every college grad is in your shoes! Student debt is not the horrible credit-card kind of debt, so chill. And, you’re technically volunteering in Ecuador, so that might make your deferment have special circumstances. Note to self: call loan company and explain that to them. Also, you’re 23-years-old. You will get rid of your loans. For now, you are going to enjoy your time in South America.

            My mind says: I have to eventually go back to the States and get a “job” job. OH NO!!!

           Reality: Focus on where you are right now. Did you know you’d be in Ecuador teaching English 2 years ago? No. So do you really want to fret about where you’re going to be in 2 years? Not really!

            My mind says: I’M SO EFFING HOMESICK.

           Reality: That’s totally normal. Sorry you feel that way, but you need to deal with that. At least the Internet exists! Instead of focusing on how much you miss people, why don’t you focus on how awesome Ecuador is?

Some cruddy things have been happening, but that’s LIFE. How many people my age can say they’re experiencing something new every day? I mean, in Philadelphia, I could be doing that, but it’s more exciting here! I think my generation has been trained to always think about the future. “What about your future?!?!” Well guess what: the future is not guaranteed, but today is. So make today worth it.

Everyone has bad days. Or weeks. But there is always someone worse off than you! For real.

Some positive thoughts:

               -Teaching is fun! I surprised myself by discovering that my favorite class this cycle is my 101 class of 3 students, aged 11 and 12. I have a blast with them every class. They get a kick out of the English phrase ‘silly goose.’

            -My long-lost sister got in touch with me! Well, not long-lost, but communication between us was just about non-existent. She would like to visit me here soon! Fingers crossed.

            -Today is Ecuador’s Labor Day. NO SCHOOL!

            -I’m in Ecuador.

             -I’m realizing my love of writing. I’ve been scribbling things like crazy these past couple of weeks. This is something I’d like to expand on, job-wise.

Some reflections on Ecuador:

              -Safety does not exist. I saw a mother driving a car with her 3-year-old in her lap, steering the car. This week has also been very treacherous for bike riding. Glad I bought a helmet.

            -The wealth gap is huge here. My students are mostly privileged Cuencanos (although most of them have very good attitudes.) Today, I got approached by a handful of young boys in dirty clothes and with grimy faces, trying to sell me gum or shine my shoes (despite my shoes being worn-out canvas.)

           -The rainy season in Cuenca is in full swing. Glad I bought a rainsuit.

            -They love parades here. For anything.

           -Say goodbye to your Corn Flakes. Imported food products are being banned here for the next 12 months. That’s okay; most of my food comes from the mercados.

            -Toilets flush the other way here.